The WHY of the Mission

SO... It is finally actually happening.. Hopefully. I have an interview in about two hours with my stake President to finally submit the papers. I am now 15 lbs down from where I started a month ago. It feels good, but I know I could have done a lot more. But oh well!

Anyway, as I have been going through trial after trial, setback after setback, I have had a lot of time to ponder the question, "Why do you want to serve a mission?". It has become a source of great strength and patience in my life, especially in this last month when I have questioned time and time again, why on earth am I putting myself through this torture, this waiting game?? In the past I would have answered this question with; "Because the mission is an amazing thing" or "Because I know that Heavenly Father wants me to" or "Because I love missionary work". All of which are great answers... but recently, I think I found the BEST answer for myself that I could come up with.

I want to serve a mission because I have a responsibility to take this gospel to those who don't have it. I have been blessed beyond compare because of the Atonement in my life and I know that Heavenly Father loves ALL of His children, and needs ME to go get them and show them the way back.

I want to serve a mission because I love God, I love His gospel, I love His work, and just as Christ did, I promised once before to come to Earth and do His work, not my own.

"We came into the world for a great purpose, the same as Jesus, our elder brother, to do the will and works of our Father; in this there is peace, joy and happiness, an increase of wisdom, knowledge and the power of God; outside of this are no promised blessings. Thus let us devote ourselves to righteousness, help each and all to be better and happier; do good to all and evil to none; honor God and obey His Priesthood; cultivate and preserve an enlightened conscience and follow the Holy Spirit..." - Teachings of Lorenzo Snow

The great thing about this is that it doesn't talk specifically about Missionary Work. If the only thing that qualified as doing God's will was serving a mission then there would be a lot of disobedient people in the world. There are so many ways that we can go about doing God's will and each and every one of us has our own way, a specific purpose that He needs us to fulfill. So don't feel bad when you feel like a mission isn't for you. It's not for everyone. But God's will is. It always will be.

I personally am so overcome with joy when I think about being on a mission. I have been given so many wonderful blessings, so many opportunities to bless the lives of others by working with our Heavenly Father.

This post won't be very long, I am a little anxious right now. But I hope that I made my point. If you are considering serving a mission, waiting to report, or currently serving, I would encourage you to figure out the real reason you want to go/went on a mission. And if that reason isn't the best it could be, then change it, and allow it to work in you day after day, until you are out there for the best reason possible.


Luke 22:42 - "...nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done."

Until next time!!

Jessie Mae

A Bitter Heart is NOT a Broken Heart

Sometimes I forget that we have been commanded to have broken hearts and to be submissive to Heavenly Father and whatever He may put us through.

I forget that my trials are so insignificant in the grand scheme. I forget that when my heart is bitter, and full of anger, I am not serving the Lord. I am actually hurting Him more, because a bitter heart is not a broken heart and only a broken heart can bring itself and others closer to Christ. 

A bitter heart is guarded. A bitter heart is angry, and defensive. A bitter heart does not connect with other hearts, it does not sympathize, it does not love. A bitter heart is a heart tarnished by the adversary and the natural man. 

A broken heart however, is one that is near to Christ, near to the Father. A broken heart is open, and loving. A broken heart is accepting of others' flaws and imperfections. A broken heart sees its' own imperfections and uses the atonement to refine them. A broken heart is willing to follow Gods laws, and to become better. A broken heart is a Christ-like heart. 

My heart is bitter. And it is affecting everything else about me. I am not happy. I am not anxious to serve my fellow man. I am not thirsting and hungering after righteousness. I am lazy, and unwilling to change. 

I could not sleep last night. I tossed and turned and wept and prayed for about an hour before I finally turned on some hypnotherapy to knock me out. I am full of so much anxiety. I hate this state that I am in. 

Wow. Just re-read this. MAJORLY DEPRESSING.

So I realized how bad things were getting yesterday and so I made a list. A very lengthy list. The Ideal Me. I listed everything that I want to be and how I want to act. I had been thinking about this the other day, how so often we make a list of the ideal spouse, and all of the characteristics we are looking for in them. I am totally guilty of this. But how often do we make a list of how to be the ideal spouse? It is said time and time again you need to be the kind of person you want to marry/date/befriend. So I made the list. Not in regaurds to being a good spouse. Just being a good Me. All of the things that I feel are important and that I need to work on or just keep doing as I am doing. 

So I am going to post it. And then hopefully soon I am going to make an Ideal Missionary Me list. because it would be a little more relevant ;) 

The Ideal Me

Healthy & Active

     - Enjoys eating healthy foods 

     - Exercises everyday

     - Confident in body image and beauty

Magnifies Church Calling

     - Works daily on that calling

     - Prays daily for guidance in the calling

     - Dependable with that calling

Studies Daily

     - Begins and Ends the day with Scripture Study

     - Always seeking to learn more temporally and spiritually 

Righteous & Virtuous

      - Prays for guidance and love daily

      - Attends the temple monthly

      - Pays a full-tithe

      - Attends and actively participates in all church meetings

      - Loves and serves daily

      - keeps covenants

      - strives to be Christ-like, daily

      - Shares the gospel

      - Participates in Missionary Work

      - Prays daily for Missionary opportunities

      - Ceases to be idle

      - Keeps mind and body clean and pure

      - Loves the Lord

     - Has an unshakable testimony

Anxiously Engaged

      - Always learning, working bettering, changing, DOING

Money Smart

      - Strict  Budget

      - Thrifty

      - Handy - Fix it Yourself, Do it Yourself

      - Coupons

     - No debt unless ABSOLUTELY necessary

     - Lives within means

     - Counsels with the Lord and spouse/parents about money decisions

Time Management

       - Doesn't Sit/waste time

       - Always doing something productive

       - Always on time, never late

       - Uses time to express love

       - schedule oriented

       - Detailed and prepared for each day

Educated

       - Constantly learning

      - College degree

      - Career Path

      - Counsels w/ Lord on who He needs me to be

Family Oriented

      - Participates/encourages family prayer, scripture study, council & FHE

      - Serves family daily

      - Never complains

      - Honors and Respects family members

      - Peacemaker

      - Spends time with Family

So... quite the list. I looked at it once I was done and thought, "there's no way". But I know that this is the kind of woman that Heavenly Father needs me to be and I am so excited for the relationship that I am going to build with Him by working on myself in these ways and allowing His plan to become more present in my life and stop worrying so much about MY plan and how I want things to work out. My bitter heart became a lot more broken after I made this list. 

A great friend of mine told me that while on his mission he was instructed to write a letter to himself, a future self kind of letter, telling about all he had accomplished and become. He told me I should do the same. and so I did. This is basically the listed version of that. The letter is pretty personal so this is something I can post and see and help me kind of look at it like a characteristic check list :) 

Wow. Just typing out that list really softened my heart today. I am so grateful for a God who knows me personally and loves me and understands how to speak to my heart.  A God who loved me so deeply that he sacrificed His only begotten son for my sins and sorrows. I know that there is a great plan in place. A plan of happiness and peace. A plan to get all of us back to our loving Heavenly Father, if that is what we choose. That is the marvelous thing about this plan. It is our choice. and every decision we makes, affects that ultimate choice, of who we want to be and where we want to end up. 

I am so grateful to have a knowledge and faith in this gospel that I love. 

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world give, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid." - John 14:27

Until next time :) - Jessie Mae

     

When you ask for a Mountain....

When you ask for a mountain to climb, be prepared.

I have been so bitter and unmotivated the past few days. One of those moods where you just want to lay in bed and watch season after season of your favorite T.V. show. 

I submitted my papers to the Stake President on Tuesday night. The interview went very well (I thought) and I was so excited and over the moon about it all. 

I got a call, Wednesday after, saying that my papers are being held because... *sigh* I am over the weight limit. Now don't get me wrong. I am not delusional, I am fully aware of my body. And I am very confident and comfortable in it. Of course I wish I was skinnier, of course I wish I could run a mile without feeling like my lungs are going to explode, of course I wish I didn't have thunder thighs. But that's just how I am and I haven't been dedicated enough or focused enough to really fix it. I have gone on this diet and that workout plan and I know they work. they really do. Every time I try one, my body responds. I lose weight. I feel amazing. And then I get hungry :) And therein lies the problem. Anywho, this isn't a diet and exercise blog, lets move on to the real point. 

So after I got the call I actually wasn't very upset. I am only over the limit by 12 lbs. If I pull a biggest loser I can lose that in like a week. That's water weight!! I knew that I could totally do it. I was actually really motivated and really excited because if anything was going to get me to finally do this, it would be the mission. I wrote out a plan, got all motivated. I went on a run that night, and it hit me how long it had been since I had really done this. I was pretty good about it while I was in Washington but that slowly faded. I was still motivated though.... 

And then Thursday morning I woke up and I was just bitter. I was annoyed that it was only 12 lbs. I was so mad that I was being delayed AGAIN, and for something so small. (technically it was about being BIG so i guess it's not really a small thing... but you get what I mean.. right?)

Anyway, I went throughout the day second guessing everything, feeling unmotivated to go on my mission, being so angry and so annoyed with myself that 1) I had asked for this and 2)that I let myself get this way. 

I am not going to lie and pretend like I have seen the error of my ways and that I am so happy to be going through this. I'm not. I am still bitter. I got up this morning and didn't want anything to do with the world. I just needed to scream at the top of my lungs and throw a tantrum. Which is why I started writing this post. But as I have been writing I have realized a few things.

1.) I asked for this. I knew that I needed to be challenged and I didn't want to just wait for the blow. I needed to be pushed, especially now. 

2.) More important, Heavenly Father knew I needed otherwise He wouldn't have answered my prayer. 

3.) I talked to a friend last night about this and he reminded me that I need to have faith in the Lord's timing and his trials. And it's true. There is a reason why I am being delayed. I don't know why yet, and I may never know. But I need to have faith. 

4.) I cannot allow the adversary to use this trial against me. I cannot allow myself to become bitter and angry and useless. I cannot get distracted from the game and let the other team score a point. It's not worth it. 

5.) This isn't going to be easy. If it was than it wouldn't be a challenge and I wouldn't grow from it. I have had so many trials that now that I look back on seem like they were so easy to overcome and to get through. Maybe it's just my perspective now that I am not in the thick of it all, which gives me hope that in a few weeks this won't seem so horrible. But really now, why on earth would I have expected anything less than overwhelming? 

That's enough bullet points, I think :) 

I am trying desperately to "face the future with faith" and "find joy in the journey" and happily climb this mountain. Any words of advice are appreciated :) 

I thought I had a ton more to say but I completely lost my "train". Just went straight of the track. 

Going up to Provo today. Excited but a little stressed. I don't do well when things aren't planned out and I am completely unprepared for a trip. But I am excited and it's going to be great :) 

hopefully we can score some tickets to conference. If anyone has some, I would gladly accept them!!! 

(pitiful shout out)

Well, Until next time - Jessie Mae

P.S. I need to think of a catchy closing/signature.... send me some ideas!!

The Waiting Game

So I decided to be done writing post specifically about Washington and will try to integrate all my adventures into my stories of today :) But before I really get writing I just have to get this out of my system....


MY PAPERS ARE SUBMITTED AND I AM WAITING FOR MY CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gah I am going insane. I had my Stake President interview tonight and I really enjoyed that. We talked for about an hour about this and that and it was just really good :) I was so giddy, he kept laughing at me because I couldn't stop smiling. Can you blame me?? I have been waiting for this for almost 4 years now!!!

Anywho :) So Yes, the waiting game has begun. I don't know how on earth I am going to keep myself occupied. Thank goodness my BFF and I are going to drive up to Provo this weekend for conference. Someone to keep my mind busy for a few days. Also, I made the goal to read the entire Book of Mormon+JSH before my call comes. It's about 40 pages per day if my call comes in 2 weeks. Quite the task but it should keep me distracted for a few hours every day.

I got 7 emails on monday from some of my missionaries. (I call them MY missionaries simply because they are all super close friends of mine and I write them. No more than that, so don't get any ideas). It was such a great Missionary Monday. I cannot wait to be on the other end, writing about all of my Missionary Adventures. ALSO, my Best Friend in the entire world comes home in 1 WEEK!!!! How crazy is that??? I am so excited :) I can't believe I will only be getting one more email from him! (If that!) It has been a crazy awesome two years :) And now it's MY turn!! We will see if any of them are half as good at writing me as I was at writing them! Probably won't be but oh well :)

Sorry this post seems so scatter brained. I cannot think about anything else except the mission call and the missionary coming home. It's going to be such an intense few weeks!!!!

oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh. I cannot think straight!!!! I am so sorry this is such a horrible post. I will try to post another one hopefully with my head on tighter in a few days.

Maybe I will start posting some Missionary tips?? Yeah I will get going on that :)

Until next time!! - Jessie Mae <3

The 11 Month Journey - Part 2

**Pre-Post Rant** So I am getting really anxious to be writing about current life. I don't know how many more posts I will really do about Washington even though there are so many amazing things that I experienced and I want to share everything!!! But There is at least THIS post. We will see how far I get :)

OK: So I started attending the Olympia YSA Branch and immediately I was put to work. **Back Story: I took ASL (American Sign Language) all through High School and even some in College** The first thing I noticed during Sacrament Meeting was the cute little blond girl at the front of the chapel, signing to a guy in the front row. I was sooo excited!!!! I have such a great passion for Sign Language but I really never get to use it. I introduced myself to them after and they had me interpret during Sunday School. MOST HUMBLING MOMENT EVER. I was terrified and so overwhelmed. They don't teach you religious signs in school so i was stumbling over every word. But they were so gracious and so loving and so excited to accept me and teach me. Over the next few weeks I began to make some great friends and I was called to serve in the Relief Society Presidency as the 1st Counselor. That was so humbling and also such a great experience. I was able to serve in a capacity I had never experienced before. I remember being so overwhelmed and so thrown off because I had a responsibility to LOVE these sisters... but I didn't know any of them!!I remember so many moments sitting in Presidency meetings, talking about Sisters we were concerned about, or needed to give an assignment to, or ones we were going to visit and I wouldn't know who they were and I would be so frustrated with myself for not knowing them. And then one day, there was a new sister in our ward that I had kicked it off with and she was brought up in a meeting and I knew who she was, and got to fill everyone in on her and no one else knew her. I was so excited and immediately this love that I was suppose to inherently have just landed on me. The best thing was that I not only felt all of this love that I had for these Sisters, but I saw who Heavenly Father knew them to be and felt how much He loved them, individually. Through that I understood better who He needed me to be for them and how I was able to use my gifts and talents to care for them in this stewardship and responsibility I had for them.

Wow, that rant came out of nowhere, sorry about that. I mean, I'm not, if I really was I would have deleted it.

Anywho. So life continued, I was taking the temple prep class, studying, doing the little i could to prepare myself for the mission that seemed so far away. But the real preparation came through living my life every day. I was working for so many families and they were all so very different. I had such a rare experience that really touched my heart. I had received a call from a mother who needed an occasional sitter. So the first time I went over to her house to meet her and sit for her, she had a Doctors appointment because she was pregnant. She came home that afternoon in tears and immediately I knew what had happened. I almost started crying. All I could think to do was give her a hug, but I had just met this woman four hours ago and she wasn't a part of this culture that we have in the church, hugs were a bit crossing the line. So i stood there, awkward as all get out, and offered my sympathies and told her that I am here for her whenever she needed me. And we became so close and invested in each others' lives. This one unfortunate moment had made us great friends. After a while she became pregnant again there was one day she was having some pains and she had asked me to come babysit so she could go to the doctors but i was working. So we texted for a little bit and I had this unique opportunity to bare my testimony about faith and trusting in the Lord and his timing and his Plan. She was so scared (I can't even imagine) and I knew that whatever I had to say wouldn't be enough. it had to be words from our Heavenly Father, she had to know that things were going to be ok no matter what was going on. So I testified. and she responded so graciously and so lovingly. That was a moment that I realized why we are asked to serve missions. People need the gospel in their lives. They need faith. they need to know that there is a plan and a purpose to everything.

So many of these moments presented themselves to me. I was not working for a single LDS family. But they were all so accepting of me and so curious and we could talk so openly. It was great! I also go to hear some of the crazy misconceptions and myths that people have about us.

It was a much different environment living in Washington, where the church is not nearly as populated, compared to Arizona where I have four church buildings with in ten minutes of me and soon to be a Temple.

Which was another thing i truly loved. I would go to the temple every week and it was the greatest blessing in my life. things that usually would be so hard for me started getting easier and I became more aware of the Lords hand in my life.

*Spoiler alert - huge moment of pride and weakness coming up in the next paragraph**

There was a time, after I had been going to the temple so often, that I became very annoyed with doing Baptisms. I was sick of being this 20 year old, "so mature and wise" (I can see my dad rolling his eyes now), stuck in a room of obnoxious, irreverent, and immature 13 year olds. I wanted to go and feel the spirit, I wanted to be uplifted, I wanted to have great spiritual moments, but they were continuously interrupted by giggling, and talk of this crush and that gossip. I was also frustrated that I was stuck doing such a trivial task. I had been doing Baptisms for 8 years! hadn't I learned enough yet? One particular visit I was feeling very frustrated by all of this. There was a large group of youth there being very irreverent and I just wanted some peace and quiet. I looked over at a girl next to me, not a part of of the group, reading the scriptures. At that moment I felt a big honkin' baseball bat hit me upside the head and say "Hey, you with the big head and prideful heart, stop being such a brat and learn something". So I did just that. I said a quick prayer, asking for some major forgiveness and for a spirit of learning and peace. I got up, grabbed a set of scriptures, and started reading everything I could about Baptism. I was so surprised by how much I learned in that 15 minutes of study. especially about an ordinance that I have been engaging in since I was 8 years old. I became so excited for this work that I was doing and so grateful for those obnoxious 13 year old who were choosing to be in such a holy place when so many of their peers weren't. I was overcome with love and understanding. I also got the biggest piece of Humble Pie I have ever had to eat. I realized that this was another teaching moment about the mission for me. A big part of my purpose was to bring people to be baptized, to take that first step in living the gospel. how on earth was I suppose to preach about the importance of baptism if I was annoyed by participating in it myself? Glad that Heavenly Father had my back on that one. :)

(I just realized how long this post is getting)

I will probably save the next few adventures for another post seeing as you are all probably getting extremely bored reading about my life lessons.

I am so grateful for these experiences that I have had and I am so glad that My Heavenly Father knows me so well that He placed me in the exact place I needed to be in order to learn these crucial lessons.


Until next time!! - Jessie Mae

BLOG CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION, PLEASE BE PATIENT WHILE CHANGES ARE BEING MADE. THANK YOU!

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The 11 Month Journey - Part 1

So I moved up to Washington and less than a week after moving in and settling in I had job interviews left and right. My plan was to Nanny for the little bit I was there and save up for the mission. I went to my first one, interviewing with the Nixon family. I met them and was honestly overwhelmed. I had never been in such a structured home before. But I was very confident in my ability to be their Nanny so I jumped in feet first. I met Wendy, the mother, and I felt we had hit it off. I felt so comfortable with her and I just wanted to be there with her and the kids. She asked me how long I would be staying in Washington and I paused. I wanted and needed this job so badly. I stupidly told her that I was pretty flexible, that ideally I would only be here until June, when my Brother-in-law was expected back, but I could extend it as long as she needed me. She then asked me to come back next week so she could observe me some more with the kids. As the next week passed by and I was meeting all sorts of new families, what I had told Wendy about my time frame had haunted me.

Of course I didn't want to be here for any longer than I needed to. I wanted to go on a mission. I wanted to get back home. I didn't know anyone here, I didn't belong here. I had gone to a YSA ward that Sunday and not a single person said a word to me. Now, I don't entirely blame them. I am actually quite shy when I don't know anyone. I came in late because I was lost, and then it took me about ten minutes to figure out that they don't start with Sacrament Meeting, they end with it so I was walking around aimlessly searching for a gospel doctrine class. When i finally found it I slipped in the back and sat alone. Didn't make any comments (if you know me at all, it is very rare that I won't make ANY comments during a class) and didn't introduce myself in the next class either. I have never felt so out of place in my life. And I couldn't figure out why. All of this excitement to meet new people and start a new life for myself but I was feeling so alone and unmotivated. I was also bogged down with what I had told Wendy. I knew I had to tell her what my real plan was but I so desperately needed a job. I prayed long and hard that Sunday. For peace, and mostly courage to be able to confront her and be honest about my intentions.

That week when I went to interview again with Wendy, the topic my time came up. I had knots in my stomach but I told her straight up, I need to go on a mission, so I am planning on leaving as soon as I can. She then realized that I wouldn't be a fit and we said our goodbyes. It was hard, I was really hoping that by telling her the truth, she would be ok with it somehow and make it work. But I knew I had done the right thing and I had many other families interested in hiring me.

The next night I get an email, around 11:00 PM, from Wendy. She says that she hasn't been able to stop thinking about me and that she really wants me to work for her. We emailed back and forth for a little bit, and then she asked if I could commit to One year, or at least through the summer. I thought about it and realized that wouldn't be horrible so I said yes. And she offered me the job right there, in the middle of the night, over email. I accepted and started training with their Nanny that week.

Now I won't say much about the job because it's not what this blog is for. But I grew to love those boys so much, and also be irritated beyond belief with them. However, it was one of the hardest things to do, leaving those boys behind to come back to Arizona. I think about them every day, all these simple little things remind me of them. That was one of the hardest, most challenging and humbling jobs I have ever had.

After attending the YSA ward two more times, someone finally talked to me and she pointed out that there was a branch much closer to me. So she gave me some more information and then after that I began attending the Olympia YSA Branch.

I have never fit anywhere as well as I did in that branch. It was the most welcoming environment I have experienced and I will always treasure my time there. It was now about November and everything was starting to fall into place. Maybe, just maybe, things were going to work out :)

The Delay

So there was a lot of waiting involved in me starting my papers.I have known that I wanted to go on a mission since I was about 17 and although I have questioned it a billion times in between then and now, I really do have a strong conviction to be going out and preaching the gospel. About a year and a half ago, when I was 19, I had the opportunity to move to Washington State to live with my sister while her husband was deployed. I was very thrilled about this new adventure that would bring me to a place I had never been before and show me a whole different kind of life. The plan was to make the 23 hour drive over about a week of time, surrounding General Conference weekend in October of 2012. So we started out and we stopped in Provo, Utah at one point to visit two of my sisters and their families. Sunday morning we were heading after a nice few days visit with them. As we are saying our goodbyes and I am kissing and loving on my little nephews my phone starts blowing up with text messages and phone calls. I look through the dozens of text messages I have and they all say things like "Come home!!!! You can go on your mission!!!" or "You don't need to move to Washington come back!". The best one was "Did you just hear that????" I got about ten of those. Of course I hadn't "just heard that" because we weren't watching conference (something I now wish I hadn't done). So a midst reading all of these texts, I get a phone call from my brother and all he says is, "so what are you going to do?" assuming I knew what in the world was going on. After I explain to him that I have no idea what anyone is talking about he fills me in the announcement that President Monson gave to lower the age requirements for missionaries. I was ASTONISHED. and also a little perturbed that it hadn't come 6 months earlier before this plan to move to Washington had even come about. I could feel every one's eyes on me, waiting for me to say "Let's go home, I am going on a mission!", but I couldn't. I really really really wanted to. But I had prayed so long and hard about this decision to move and I knew that I was doing the right thing. My sister needed me, and, although I didn't know it yet, I desperately needed the experiences that I was going to have over the next 11 months. So I let out a sigh and said, "Well it's too late to turn back now, let's go before I change my mind!" So I loaded up in my car, my parents in theirs, and we drove. I will be honest, I cried a little as I turned on the radio and listened to the rest of conference. I was so sad to not be joining the thousands of Sister Missionaries, but I wouldn't trade ANYTHING for next 11 months of my life.