A Bitter Heart is NOT a Broken Heart

Sometimes I forget that we have been commanded to have broken hearts and to be submissive to Heavenly Father and whatever He may put us through.

I forget that my trials are so insignificant in the grand scheme. I forget that when my heart is bitter, and full of anger, I am not serving the Lord. I am actually hurting Him more, because a bitter heart is not a broken heart and only a broken heart can bring itself and others closer to Christ. 

A bitter heart is guarded. A bitter heart is angry, and defensive. A bitter heart does not connect with other hearts, it does not sympathize, it does not love. A bitter heart is a heart tarnished by the adversary and the natural man. 

A broken heart however, is one that is near to Christ, near to the Father. A broken heart is open, and loving. A broken heart is accepting of others' flaws and imperfections. A broken heart sees its' own imperfections and uses the atonement to refine them. A broken heart is willing to follow Gods laws, and to become better. A broken heart is a Christ-like heart. 

My heart is bitter. And it is affecting everything else about me. I am not happy. I am not anxious to serve my fellow man. I am not thirsting and hungering after righteousness. I am lazy, and unwilling to change. 

I could not sleep last night. I tossed and turned and wept and prayed for about an hour before I finally turned on some hypnotherapy to knock me out. I am full of so much anxiety. I hate this state that I am in. 

Wow. Just re-read this. MAJORLY DEPRESSING.

So I realized how bad things were getting yesterday and so I made a list. A very lengthy list. The Ideal Me. I listed everything that I want to be and how I want to act. I had been thinking about this the other day, how so often we make a list of the ideal spouse, and all of the characteristics we are looking for in them. I am totally guilty of this. But how often do we make a list of how to be the ideal spouse? It is said time and time again you need to be the kind of person you want to marry/date/befriend. So I made the list. Not in regaurds to being a good spouse. Just being a good Me. All of the things that I feel are important and that I need to work on or just keep doing as I am doing. 

So I am going to post it. And then hopefully soon I am going to make an Ideal Missionary Me list. because it would be a little more relevant ;) 

The Ideal Me

Healthy & Active

     - Enjoys eating healthy foods 

     - Exercises everyday

     - Confident in body image and beauty

Magnifies Church Calling

     - Works daily on that calling

     - Prays daily for guidance in the calling

     - Dependable with that calling

Studies Daily

     - Begins and Ends the day with Scripture Study

     - Always seeking to learn more temporally and spiritually 

Righteous & Virtuous

      - Prays for guidance and love daily

      - Attends the temple monthly

      - Pays a full-tithe

      - Attends and actively participates in all church meetings

      - Loves and serves daily

      - keeps covenants

      - strives to be Christ-like, daily

      - Shares the gospel

      - Participates in Missionary Work

      - Prays daily for Missionary opportunities

      - Ceases to be idle

      - Keeps mind and body clean and pure

      - Loves the Lord

     - Has an unshakable testimony

Anxiously Engaged

      - Always learning, working bettering, changing, DOING

Money Smart

      - Strict  Budget

      - Thrifty

      - Handy - Fix it Yourself, Do it Yourself

      - Coupons

     - No debt unless ABSOLUTELY necessary

     - Lives within means

     - Counsels with the Lord and spouse/parents about money decisions

Time Management

       - Doesn't Sit/waste time

       - Always doing something productive

       - Always on time, never late

       - Uses time to express love

       - schedule oriented

       - Detailed and prepared for each day

Educated

       - Constantly learning

      - College degree

      - Career Path

      - Counsels w/ Lord on who He needs me to be

Family Oriented

      - Participates/encourages family prayer, scripture study, council & FHE

      - Serves family daily

      - Never complains

      - Honors and Respects family members

      - Peacemaker

      - Spends time with Family

So... quite the list. I looked at it once I was done and thought, "there's no way". But I know that this is the kind of woman that Heavenly Father needs me to be and I am so excited for the relationship that I am going to build with Him by working on myself in these ways and allowing His plan to become more present in my life and stop worrying so much about MY plan and how I want things to work out. My bitter heart became a lot more broken after I made this list. 

A great friend of mine told me that while on his mission he was instructed to write a letter to himself, a future self kind of letter, telling about all he had accomplished and become. He told me I should do the same. and so I did. This is basically the listed version of that. The letter is pretty personal so this is something I can post and see and help me kind of look at it like a characteristic check list :) 

Wow. Just typing out that list really softened my heart today. I am so grateful for a God who knows me personally and loves me and understands how to speak to my heart.  A God who loved me so deeply that he sacrificed His only begotten son for my sins and sorrows. I know that there is a great plan in place. A plan of happiness and peace. A plan to get all of us back to our loving Heavenly Father, if that is what we choose. That is the marvelous thing about this plan. It is our choice. and every decision we makes, affects that ultimate choice, of who we want to be and where we want to end up. 

I am so grateful to have a knowledge and faith in this gospel that I love. 

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world give, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid." - John 14:27

Until next time :) - Jessie Mae

     

When you ask for a Mountain....

When you ask for a mountain to climb, be prepared.

I have been so bitter and unmotivated the past few days. One of those moods where you just want to lay in bed and watch season after season of your favorite T.V. show. 

I submitted my papers to the Stake President on Tuesday night. The interview went very well (I thought) and I was so excited and over the moon about it all. 

I got a call, Wednesday after, saying that my papers are being held because... *sigh* I am over the weight limit. Now don't get me wrong. I am not delusional, I am fully aware of my body. And I am very confident and comfortable in it. Of course I wish I was skinnier, of course I wish I could run a mile without feeling like my lungs are going to explode, of course I wish I didn't have thunder thighs. But that's just how I am and I haven't been dedicated enough or focused enough to really fix it. I have gone on this diet and that workout plan and I know they work. they really do. Every time I try one, my body responds. I lose weight. I feel amazing. And then I get hungry :) And therein lies the problem. Anywho, this isn't a diet and exercise blog, lets move on to the real point. 

So after I got the call I actually wasn't very upset. I am only over the limit by 12 lbs. If I pull a biggest loser I can lose that in like a week. That's water weight!! I knew that I could totally do it. I was actually really motivated and really excited because if anything was going to get me to finally do this, it would be the mission. I wrote out a plan, got all motivated. I went on a run that night, and it hit me how long it had been since I had really done this. I was pretty good about it while I was in Washington but that slowly faded. I was still motivated though.... 

And then Thursday morning I woke up and I was just bitter. I was annoyed that it was only 12 lbs. I was so mad that I was being delayed AGAIN, and for something so small. (technically it was about being BIG so i guess it's not really a small thing... but you get what I mean.. right?)

Anyway, I went throughout the day second guessing everything, feeling unmotivated to go on my mission, being so angry and so annoyed with myself that 1) I had asked for this and 2)that I let myself get this way. 

I am not going to lie and pretend like I have seen the error of my ways and that I am so happy to be going through this. I'm not. I am still bitter. I got up this morning and didn't want anything to do with the world. I just needed to scream at the top of my lungs and throw a tantrum. Which is why I started writing this post. But as I have been writing I have realized a few things.

1.) I asked for this. I knew that I needed to be challenged and I didn't want to just wait for the blow. I needed to be pushed, especially now. 

2.) More important, Heavenly Father knew I needed otherwise He wouldn't have answered my prayer. 

3.) I talked to a friend last night about this and he reminded me that I need to have faith in the Lord's timing and his trials. And it's true. There is a reason why I am being delayed. I don't know why yet, and I may never know. But I need to have faith. 

4.) I cannot allow the adversary to use this trial against me. I cannot allow myself to become bitter and angry and useless. I cannot get distracted from the game and let the other team score a point. It's not worth it. 

5.) This isn't going to be easy. If it was than it wouldn't be a challenge and I wouldn't grow from it. I have had so many trials that now that I look back on seem like they were so easy to overcome and to get through. Maybe it's just my perspective now that I am not in the thick of it all, which gives me hope that in a few weeks this won't seem so horrible. But really now, why on earth would I have expected anything less than overwhelming? 

That's enough bullet points, I think :) 

I am trying desperately to "face the future with faith" and "find joy in the journey" and happily climb this mountain. Any words of advice are appreciated :) 

I thought I had a ton more to say but I completely lost my "train". Just went straight of the track. 

Going up to Provo today. Excited but a little stressed. I don't do well when things aren't planned out and I am completely unprepared for a trip. But I am excited and it's going to be great :) 

hopefully we can score some tickets to conference. If anyone has some, I would gladly accept them!!! 

(pitiful shout out)

Well, Until next time - Jessie Mae

P.S. I need to think of a catchy closing/signature.... send me some ideas!!

The Waiting Game

So I decided to be done writing post specifically about Washington and will try to integrate all my adventures into my stories of today :) But before I really get writing I just have to get this out of my system....


MY PAPERS ARE SUBMITTED AND I AM WAITING FOR MY CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gah I am going insane. I had my Stake President interview tonight and I really enjoyed that. We talked for about an hour about this and that and it was just really good :) I was so giddy, he kept laughing at me because I couldn't stop smiling. Can you blame me?? I have been waiting for this for almost 4 years now!!!

Anywho :) So Yes, the waiting game has begun. I don't know how on earth I am going to keep myself occupied. Thank goodness my BFF and I are going to drive up to Provo this weekend for conference. Someone to keep my mind busy for a few days. Also, I made the goal to read the entire Book of Mormon+JSH before my call comes. It's about 40 pages per day if my call comes in 2 weeks. Quite the task but it should keep me distracted for a few hours every day.

I got 7 emails on monday from some of my missionaries. (I call them MY missionaries simply because they are all super close friends of mine and I write them. No more than that, so don't get any ideas). It was such a great Missionary Monday. I cannot wait to be on the other end, writing about all of my Missionary Adventures. ALSO, my Best Friend in the entire world comes home in 1 WEEK!!!! How crazy is that??? I am so excited :) I can't believe I will only be getting one more email from him! (If that!) It has been a crazy awesome two years :) And now it's MY turn!! We will see if any of them are half as good at writing me as I was at writing them! Probably won't be but oh well :)

Sorry this post seems so scatter brained. I cannot think about anything else except the mission call and the missionary coming home. It's going to be such an intense few weeks!!!!

oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh. I cannot think straight!!!! I am so sorry this is such a horrible post. I will try to post another one hopefully with my head on tighter in a few days.

Maybe I will start posting some Missionary tips?? Yeah I will get going on that :)

Until next time!! - Jessie Mae <3