I forget that my trials are so insignificant in the grand scheme. I forget that when my heart is bitter, and full of anger, I am not serving the Lord. I am actually hurting Him more, because a bitter heart is not a broken heart and only a broken heart can bring itself and others closer to Christ.
A bitter heart is guarded. A bitter heart is angry, and defensive. A bitter heart does not connect with other hearts, it does not sympathize, it does not love. A bitter heart is a heart tarnished by the adversary and the natural man.
A broken heart however, is one that is near to Christ, near to the Father. A broken heart is open, and loving. A broken heart is accepting of others' flaws and imperfections. A broken heart sees its' own imperfections and uses the atonement to refine them. A broken heart is willing to follow Gods laws, and to become better. A broken heart is a Christ-like heart.
My heart is bitter. And it is affecting everything else about me. I am not happy. I am not anxious to serve my fellow man. I am not thirsting and hungering after righteousness. I am lazy, and unwilling to change.
I could not sleep last night. I tossed and turned and wept and prayed for about an hour before I finally turned on some hypnotherapy to knock me out. I am full of so much anxiety. I hate this state that I am in.
Wow. Just re-read this. MAJORLY DEPRESSING.
So I realized how bad things were getting yesterday and so I made a list. A very lengthy list. The Ideal Me. I listed everything that I want to be and how I want to act. I had been thinking about this the other day, how so often we make a list of the ideal spouse, and all of the characteristics we are looking for in them. I am totally guilty of this. But how often do we make a list of how to be the ideal spouse? It is said time and time again you need to be the kind of person you want to marry/date/befriend. So I made the list. Not in regaurds to being a good spouse. Just being a good Me. All of the things that I feel are important and that I need to work on or just keep doing as I am doing.
So I am going to post it. And then hopefully soon I am going to make an Ideal Missionary Me list. because it would be a little more relevant ;)
The Ideal Me
Healthy & Active
- Enjoys eating healthy foods
- Exercises everyday
- Confident in body image and beauty
Magnifies Church Calling
- Works daily on that calling
- Prays daily for guidance in the calling
- Dependable with that calling
Studies Daily
- Begins and Ends the day with Scripture Study
- Always seeking to learn more temporally and spiritually
Righteous & Virtuous
- Prays for guidance and love daily
- Attends the temple monthly
- Pays a full-tithe
- Attends and actively participates in all church meetings
- Loves and serves daily
- keeps covenants
- strives to be Christ-like, daily
- Shares the gospel
- Participates in Missionary Work
- Prays daily for Missionary opportunities
- Ceases to be idle
- Keeps mind and body clean and pure
- Loves the Lord
- Has an unshakable testimony
Anxiously Engaged
- Always learning, working bettering, changing, DOING
Money Smart
- Strict Budget
- Thrifty
- Handy - Fix it Yourself, Do it Yourself
- Coupons
- No debt unless ABSOLUTELY necessary
- Lives within means
- Counsels with the Lord and spouse/parents about money decisions
Time Management
- Doesn't Sit/waste time
- Always doing something productive
- Always on time, never late
- Uses time to express love
- schedule oriented
- Detailed and prepared for each day
Educated
- Constantly learning
- College degree
- Career Path
- Counsels w/ Lord on who He needs me to be
Family Oriented
- Participates/encourages family prayer, scripture study, council & FHE
- Serves family daily
- Never complains
- Honors and Respects family members
- Peacemaker
- Spends time with Family
So... quite the list. I looked at it once I was done and thought, "there's no way". But I know that this is the kind of woman that Heavenly Father needs me to be and I am so excited for the relationship that I am going to build with Him by working on myself in these ways and allowing His plan to become more present in my life and stop worrying so much about MY plan and how I want things to work out. My bitter heart became a lot more broken after I made this list.
A great friend of mine told me that while on his mission he was instructed to write a letter to himself, a future self kind of letter, telling about all he had accomplished and become. He told me I should do the same. and so I did. This is basically the listed version of that. The letter is pretty personal so this is something I can post and see and help me kind of look at it like a characteristic check list :)
Wow. Just typing out that list really softened my heart today. I am so grateful for a God who knows me personally and loves me and understands how to speak to my heart. A God who loved me so deeply that he sacrificed His only begotten son for my sins and sorrows. I know that there is a great plan in place. A plan of happiness and peace. A plan to get all of us back to our loving Heavenly Father, if that is what we choose. That is the marvelous thing about this plan. It is our choice. and every decision we makes, affects that ultimate choice, of who we want to be and where we want to end up.
I am so grateful to have a knowledge and faith in this gospel that I love.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world give, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid." - John 14:27
Until next time :) - Jessie Mae
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